


Unknown Oblivion

by oeuf_depeche



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, College, Depression, Drugs, M/M, Mental Illness, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-30 03:17:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19033666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oeuf_depeche/pseuds/oeuf_depeche
Summary: He'd always thought of how he would end up doing it. But the even just thought struck fear into his heart. Would it be as painful as he thought it would be? Would he go peacefully into the unknown oblivion?  He had so many questions he would never have the answers to. Until he did it, of course.I wrote chapter 3 but it's just,,, gone?





	1. Chapter 0

**Author's Note:**

> Please give me feedback! I haven't written in a while <3

Finally, he was alone. 

 

He'd always thought of how he would end up doing it. But the even just thought struck fear into his heart. Would it be as painful as he thought it would be? Would he go peacefully into the unknown oblivion?  He had so many questions he would never have the answers to. Until he did it, of course. Rationally, he knew people would miss him once he was gone. His grandparents would be crushed, he could imagine his friends faces as they sat looking at his empty spot on the sofa, he could even imagine his mother and father, as distant as their relationship was, shedding tears over his death. Yet he couldn't shake the feeling that he was delusional for imagining those things. They wouldn't miss him. His grandparents would be thankful that they didn't have to deal with his failures anymore, thankful they wouldn't have to see him ruin his life further. His friends. They would sigh with relief when they would finally be able stretch out over more of the couch with him no longer taking up that extra space on the couch. The couch that was more comfortable with one less person on it. And his parents? They would be thrilled. Thrilled they didn't have to put up with his whining, his crappy mental health. Thrilled that they could at long last have the perfect family without him being there, an imperfection in their family unit. They would finally be able to boast about their flawless daughter without having to also mention their painful, failure of a son. Really he would be doing them a favour. 

He could slit his wrists. The thought of it made him squeamish. It made him pull his wrists closer to him, against his chest, as if he were protecting them from the thought. Maybe he could get drunk beforehand. Drinking is supposed to numb pain right? That's what they used before anaesthetic anyway. Although he couldn't stand the sight of blood, his own or anyone elses. And there was the strong possibility of not cutting deep enough. Of failing. Failing at another thing in his dreary fucking life. He wouldn't be able to handle the humiliation of waking up in a hospital room with his wrists bandaged and his family standing over him.  They would be so disappointing. He would be monitored after that. There wouldn't be another chance. Would he be put into a mental facility? 

Hanging? He didn't think he that the mental strength not to fight himself down. And if he did manage to, what if someone found him before he actually died? Psych ward. 

Any possible way he could think of seemed impossible. They all had a chance of failing. A chance of that humiliation. 

 

So in the end he just drank. 

 

 


	2. Chapter 1

The alarm went off at 7:30. As it did every morning. I groaned, fighting my hand out of the blanket to turn it off. With the beeping silenced, I swung my legs out of bed. I already knew today was going to be a long day. Every day was. It was the same routine, the same people, even the same food if I remembered to eat. I was stuck in the never-ending loop. Everyday I attended college, which I had long since lost interest in, then I'd go home to get high or drunk. I knew today would be no different.

It was a dull morning, dark clouds shrouded the newly risen sun. Light rain blew in my face as he walked the short distance to the campus.This was not helping my already low motivation to attend. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted one of my classmates walking the same way as me and I sped up so I wouldn't have to talk to them. I wasn't in the mood for small talk. I reached his classroom and set my bag down next to my chair. Most of my classmates were already there. I sighed, realising I had forgotten both of the sketchbooks I had planned on working on that day. There was no way I was going to walk home again to collect them. I'd just have to bullshit my way though the day. The library was probably my best bet, picking up my bag again I walked up to the lecturers desk.

I cleared my throat, I hadn't spoken a word yet today. 

"Uh, ma'am? I'm going to head to the library. Forgot my books so i'm just going to research today." I shifted my weight, uncomfortable with being up at the front of the class. 

The lecturer looked up from her computer screen, peering up over her glasses at him. 

"Ah, Levi! I've been meaning to have a word with you." She stood up and proceeded to walk towards the door. "May I?" She held the door open, waiting for me to pass through. 

I obliged, walking through the door and into the hallway. 

"Come." The lecturer beckoned me with a finger and then took off walking down the corridor, her ponytail bouncing as she went. "I think one of these classes should be empty- ahah!" She triumphantly swung open the door of an empty class. "Here we go. Take a seat, Levi."  

 

My heart was racing as I sat down. I knew what was coming. 

"So. Levi." She sighed. "You probably know what I want to talk to you about..."

I swallowed. "Y-yeah. I think I have a pretty good idea."

The look of pity on the lecturers face burned into my eyes. "Your work. Everything you've done is fantastic but... well Levi, there's just not enough of it. You have great potential, I see that. But I don't understand how you've fallen so far behind." She slowly shook her head. "Have you seen how far along all your classmates are? Most of them are finishing up on their final pieces... and you've barely made a dent in the planning."

I felt a lump growing in my throat. I couldn't say anything. I decided to fix my eyes firmly on the floor, avoiding the lecturers gaze.

I knew I was behind on work. Painfully behind. After the college day, I never had the motivation to work on anything and even then I barely managed to get work done when I was in class. 

"Why is that, Levi?" 

I shook my head. 

The lecturer sighed. "Here's the thing, Levi. I don't think you have enough time to complete all the work you've been given. End of term is getting close."

I shook my head again. "N-no. I can do it. I swear. I'm just a bit behind. I can do it." No. No. This can't happen again. 

She slowly shook her head. "I'm sorry, Levi. You don't have the time. You're in class everyday but I don't know what you do. You've just not made enough progress for me to be confident that you're going to complete this..." 

I felt tears welling up in my eyes. 

"Hey, hey. Levi." She reached over, placing a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay. Now, I don't know your personal situation but maybe you'll be in a better place to take this course next year. We would be glad to have you back. You're a very talented young man."

"Right." A tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away with my sleeve. "So... is this it? Do I just go? That's me done?" More tears were threatening to fall. 

She shot me a weak smile. "I'm sorry, Levi."

I sighed, starting to get up. My drink binge was going to start early today.

"Oh! I could arrange for you to meet with the counsellor, if you'd like? You could talk about... whatever is holding you back." 

"...Yeah. Sure." Hah. As if they would be able to help him.

"Fantastic! I'll ask him to give you a phone. Then you can arrange a time with him, okay?"

"Thanks." 

I felt numb as I made the trek back home. My head swarming with thoughts. How had I let myself fall so far behind? Could I have caught up if I had fought my case instead of clamming up? The rain had become heavy and the some wind had picked up. I was drenched by the time I got inside. I kicked off my shoes and peeled off my cold, soaking clothes, all the way down to my underwear, they had somehow escaped the wrath of the weather. 

Sitting down on the couch, I reached for a half full bottle of vodka that had been sitting on the floor. I flicked the cap off, watching it land on the floor a couple of feet away. With a sigh, I took two big mouthfuls.

I glanced at my phone. 11am.

It was times like this I wished I had someone to come home to. Someone to make me feel like it was okay, no matter how bad I had fucked up. Someone to hold me close. But my house was empty and I was alone.

~

I woke up to a distant ringing. I didn't realise I had fallen asleep. The now empty bottle lay on its side on the floor alongside a bottle of wine, also empty.

What time was it?

I fumbled around for my phone, still feeling the effects of my early morning boozer. It had fallen between the cushions of the couch. Fishing it out, I looked at the screen with hazy eyes, 4:47pm. The number calling was a number I didn't recognise. I accepted the call.

"Hello?" My voice came out rough and crackly barely audible. I cleared his throat and repeated. "Hello?"

"Hello! Is this Levi speaking?" It was a deep but gentle male voice on the other end on the line.

"Yeah."

"Hello, Levi. It's Erwin here. I'm one of the counsellors here at St Marias. I believe you had a meeting earlier with Hanji, yes?" 

"Yeah... she said she was going to talk to you." I was quite sceptical about being 'counselled'. It had never done me any good before, so what difference would it make now?

"Yes. She thinks that you maybe coming in for a meeting or two would be beneficial. How does that sound?" His voice was very reassuring and calm.

"I guess that's fine... Does it need to be at the college?" The thought of having to go back into that building and possibly seeing my classmates made me nervous. I didn't want to answer any of their probing questions about why I had left.

"No, not at all. We can arrange a meeting at a coffee shop or a park if it makes it more comfortable for you."

"Yeah, uh. A coffee shop would be great."

"Fantastic. How about Lonsdales, Friday at 10am? Is that okay for you?"

I was taken aback, Lonsdales was one of the more high end coffee shops in town. One coffee there could set you back around £7, much more than I could afford.

"Oh, uh. I don't think I can afford that. It's kind of expensive there."

"Don't worry about it. The college pays. There a budget for out of college meetings."

"... Right, okay. I'll see you 10am Friday then,I guess."

"Great, I'll meet you outside, okay?"

"Right."

 

I hung up. Why was I doing this? I'd been to countless counsellors and therapists in the past and none of them had even come close to helping me. They all just spewed the same generic shit. Why did I think Erwin would be any different?

Maybe it was the tone of his voice, he didn't have the same pitying tone all the others had had. He sounded genuinely caring.  

I stood up and made my way to the kitchen, pulling out a fresh bottle of vodka from the pantry along with a packet of biscuits. I had 3 days until my meeting with Erwin and I didn't plan on remembering any of it.

 


	3. Chapter 2

This time, the alarm rang at 9am. 

I opened my eyes, fumbling for the button. I'd forgotten to plug my phone in the night prior and the battery showed red. I groaned, knowing that it wouldn't have enough power to last the day. I looked around the room, sunlight was pouring in through the thin curtains. I had fallen asleep on the sofa again, it had become a bad habit. As I sat up, a wave of nausea hit me and I sprinted to the bathroom where I promptly threw up in the toilet.

"Fuck." My nose and throat felt like they were on fire. I grabbed for the toilet paper and wiped my mouth. "Disgusting."

I was thankful that I'd actually made it to the toilet and hadn't thrown up elsewhere. I really wasn't in the mood to clean up that sort of mess. Standing up from my position in front of the toilet I glanced in the mirror that hung above the sink. My eyes were circled by dark purple rings, my hair was greasy and dishevelled and I had managed to get puke down my chest. On top of that I hadn't shaved in at least a week, so I had some prominent scruff coating my chin. I shot my reflection a pathetic smile. I was a mess. 

The past few days had been a blur, morphing into each other with no clear divide between them. That'll happen when you drink non stop. How much had I drunk? I didn't remember. I hadn't changed my boxers since I got home and I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a proper meal. I looked again in the mirror. I was visibly underweight, I thought. I knew I had lost a considerable amount of weight in the past year as my mental health declined, but I was unsure of how much exactly due to my lack of a bathroom scale. 

Hopping into the shower, I let the hot water wash over my body, enjoying the sensation. It had been days since I had showered, which had unfortunately become normal for me. At one point I prided myself on my cleanliness, never going a day without showering or shaving. Those days were long gone though. I didn't have high hopes of them returning. 

~

As I stepped out the door a cold wind hit my face. It was yet another disgusting day. The walk to Lonsdales was a tad longer than I would have liked, maybe about a mile and a half. I tried not to walk long distances on my own. I had no good reason to be anxious about it, but I was. I had an ever present fear of being mugged or assaulted. Even kidnapped. This fear was amplified by the fact that at my size, I could be easily picked up and thrown in a van. Rationally, I knew the chances of any of these things happening were very low but the thoughts were always rushing around my mind. To minimise these thoughts, I walked quickly, making myself out of breath as I walked. Pushing my thoughts to the back of my mind, I pressed forwards, speed-walking towards my destination.

As I approached the coffee show I noticed a tall, blond man standing out front. He was very well dressed, wearing a blindingly white dress shirt with not a crease in sight, paired with a tie patterned with pastel stripes, alongside dress pants which were equally as crease free. I thought about how much time he must have spent ironing to achieve such crisp garments. As I was examining him, he turned to face me. As he spotted me he waved. I guessed he must be Erwin. I lifted my hand and waved back timidly.

"Ah, you must be Levi, yes?" The man held his hand out for a handshake. "Hanji gave me a description. She said I wouldn't miss you."

"Yeah, hi." I reached out, shaking his hand. His grip was strong. 

"Right, lets take a seat." Erwin held the door open, letting me go first. A waft of warm air hit me as I stepped inside. My fingers, which were cold and numb from the walk started to tingle and the heat returned to them.

The shop was quiet with only a few other customers sat at the tables. It was a relatively large place, lots of tables spread across two floors. I must admit I had never been inside before so I was quite taken aback. The decor was very high end, fancy, it looked as if it should belong in the Queens dining room. I knew this place was expensive but I had no idea quite how lavish it was on the inside.

"How about you find us a seat and I'll get us some drinks, alright?" 

"Sure."

"What do you want? It can be anything, college pays remember." He winked. 

"Oh, uh. Just a black coffee for me, thanks." Right at that moment my stomach let out the loudest growl I had ever heard it make. My cheeks started to flush red as I knew Erwin had heard.

Erin smiled at me, shaking his head, he had a sad look in his eyes. 

"Levi, I'm going to get you some food. Don't feel pressured to eat it, but it'll make me feel a hell of a lot better."

I shrugged my shoulders, opting to just walk to a table instead of reply. I chose a table at the back of the cafe, far from any other customers. The booths were separated by screens, providing the tables with more privacy. At that moment I understood why Erwin had chosen this particular location. I shrugged my jacket off, leaving it in a heap on the seat next to me.

As I was lost in thought looking around and admiring the decor, Erwin slid into the booth, tray in hand. On the tray there were two very large coffees, a very luxurious looking chocolate brownie and a plate of sandwiches and crisps. I stared at the tray, wide eyed. 

"I wasn't sure what kind of sandwiched you would like, so I just got cheese. Everyone likes cheese, right?" He smiled, lifting the items off the tray one by one and placing them in front of me. "Like I said, no pressure."

"Thank you..." I pulled my coffee closer to me, wrapping my hands around the cup, letting the last of the cold leave my fingers. 

"So, Levi. Hanji told me that she has had to terminate your place at St Marias, is that right?"

I nodded, looking down into my coffee.

"Is there anything going on at home? With mum or dad?"

"I don't live at home. I live alone." My level of discomfort was growing, I knew that the deeper the conversation got into my life, the more likely I was to start blubbing. 

"Ah, okay, I see. Did something happen that made you move out? You're quite young to be out on your own are you not? How old are you, Levi?"

"I'm 19." I looked up to look at Erwin. "My dad kicked me out."

"I'm sorry to hear that. How have you been coping on your own?"

I took a long sip of my coffee. Staying silent. 

"Levi?" Erwins voice was gentle.

"I'm fine. Living on my own is fine." It wasn't fine. I was the most lonely I had ever been in my life. "I'm glad to be away from them." My parents had been abusive. Not physically, but emotionally and moving out had been like breathing fresh air for the first time in my life. 

"Okay." Erwin sighed. He seemed to understand what I meant. "So, what does an average day in your life look like Levi?"

I fixed my gaze on my coffee yet again. There was a pause. Time felt like it had slowed as Erwin sipped his coffee and I stared at mine. From past experience, I knew that people could tell when I lied so I decided to be brutally honest. 

"Honestly? I wake up. I drink. I go to sleep." My voice was low, nearly a mumble. "Then I wake up and do the same thing."

"I see."Erwin nodded slowly. "That's not a way to live, Levi."

 I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again. I felt immense shame over what I was doing. I knew it was destructive, but I was caught in a pattern. I could barely choke out any words. 

"....I know."

We talked for around thirty minutes as I picked at a couple of sandwiches and drank my coffee. He asked the generic questions I had expected, probed a bit deeper into my family life and tried to get me to open up about my feelings. He asked everything in a way that made me truly believe he had good intentions. Not in the dehumanising way that the rest had done, he had treated me like I was a human being and not just another head case. Erwin was different, although there was still a seed of doubt in my mind.

"I'd like to set up weekly meeting with you. I feel like once you're comfortable, you'll really open up." He smiled. "I want to see you live your life to the fullest, Levi."

I let out a short laugh. I'd heard this line over and over and over. Countless times.

"I'm serious. From what I've heard, you have great potential. On top that that, you just deserve to be happy."

I shook my head. 

"I mean you can try. But only if you want to waste your time on me."

Erwins expression changed. He looked stern, almost angry. 

"I wouldn't be wasting my time, Levi. You're worth my time." His voice was sincere. "Any time you need me. Give me a call. Even if it's outside of hours. I'll answer. You're worth my time."

I was taken aback. He sounded like he genuinely cared.

"...Okay. But don't blame me when nothing changes."

"Have faith in me, Levi. We'll find something that works for you."


End file.
